Frustration.

I feel like I don't have the ability to form the words right now that are going to express how frustrated I am or make me feel any better. Time for some things to change again...

Ghostland, San Fran and Memorial Day

Whaaaaat a weekend! I guess I'll start from the beginning...

Friday night Ericka and Billy had an extra ticket to see Ghostland Observatory at The Mezzanine in San Francisco so we all drove up there when Billy got off work. Getting there was an adventure (note to us: take the 5 SOUTH, not North!) and we thought we might miss a little of the show but we made it in plenty of time to check into our hotel, walk to the concert and still wait around for them to come on. The show was... amazing. It was crazy crowded and hot and there were all kinds of ridiculous, sweaty, pushy boys around us dancing on our toes and causing us (or me at least) to consider random acts of violence but it was completely worth it-- although getting back to the hotel and taking a shower to wipe off all of those strangers' sweat was probably one of the best feelings I've experienced in quite a while! There really just aren't enough words to explain how much fun I had at that concert! (And I totally stole that picture from Ericka's blog since I FORGOT my stupid camera!)

Saturday we spent the day in San Fran doing fun touristy things... breakfast at a cafe near the hotel, riding the cable cars, walking around Fisherman's Wharf and going to the aquarium (the tunnel of fish and the jellyfish were sooooo cool!), eating at the sourdough bread place (omg yum!), watching the Bush Man (I could've stayed there for hours-- check out this link that Ericka found!) and getting free chocolate at Ghiradeli Square. It was a little windy and hovered around 50 degrees all day which was a little cooler than I'd prepared myself for but I'll take that over 100 degrees any day!

Sunday was really, really, really uneventful. In fact, I stayed in my pajamas for the entire day. It was a nice change of pace since the last couple months have just felt really hectic with everything going on. I got way into my book (finally reading Twilight, even though I've seen the movie already...!), played a little WoW, cleaned a bit... it was incredibly relaxing-- I hadn't realized how badly I needed a day like that until I finally got it!

Yesterday was another relaxing morning and then we BBQ'd and swam/stuck our feet in the pool at Ericka's. It really is nights like last night that remind me of how lucky I am to have such amazing friends. Even when we're not doing anything special... BBQ'ing, playing board games, watching Obsessed... it's just so good to be around them. In the middle of our board game, Ericka got the idea that we should all make a sticky note with our name on it and pass it around the table so everyone could write what we like about that person on it and even though it seemed kind of silly, like a summer camp activity or something, it really made me think about what it is that I love about all my friends. We had a lot of good questions playing Loaded Questions last night too, it was hilarious to hear everyone's answers and then to look at how random our papers were at the end-- it was amazing! I love that when the question "What would you not want to see charging toward you in an open field?" was asked (or something like that, anyway...) Ericka and I BOTH wrote "My mother"! We agreed when the answers had been chosen that the only thing we could've put that would be better than our answers was BOTH of our mothers! It was so funny that Jenny had to memorialize it for us.

Overall, it was a great, DRAMA FREE weekend and I'm sorry it's over but it's nice to have things returning to normal!

Killer Biscuits Wanted for Attempted Murder

The funniest part of this story is that I'm pretty sure I know people who would do this! Can you imagine how ridiculous she must've felt when the paramedics got there?! So much win. :)

Yesterday and American Idol

You know... yesterday was the 19th. I'd been dreading it for weeks but it was nowhere near as bad as I anticipated. In fact, I hardly thought of the significance of it all day. That's definitely a sign of some good progress!

Oh, and American Idol was complete bullshit last night-- are they kidding me?! First they have to sing a song that we've already heard... then they each sing a song some old guy picked that nobody knows and doesn't fit their style... and then they sing that crap that Kara co-wrote? Wow... talk about anticlimactic. I hope tonight's finale is better, but I'm not really holding out hope!

Who the Hell Am I?

I feel like this song is a pretty good expression of how I feel about my life right now... it's a constant work in progress but I'm happy with how far I've come!



No more lying to myself
Pretending to be someone else
And now I'm hiding how I feel behind a smile
Living in constant self denial

There's something I need to say

No more running from my fights
And no more giving up when I know I'm right
Sick of trying to fit in
Wondering what I could have been

There's something I need to say
Its growing everyday
Things are going to change

I wont apologize
For who I come to be

Cause who the hell am I
If I cant be me
I've wasted too much time
On insecurities
Cause who the hell am I
If I can't be me

No more need to justify
Everything I do, everything I like
No more blood from biting my tongue
Too afraid to upset anyone

There's something I need to say

No more guilt for what I see
Staring at the mirror back at me

There's something I need to say
Its growing everyday
Things are going to change

I wont apologize
For who I come to be
Cause who the hell am I
If I cant be me
I've wasted too much time on insecurities
Cause who the hell am I
If I can't be me

And it feels like I am naked
Stripped for you to see
My scars and imperfections
But you don't seem to notice
Cause your too busy covering up your cuts and bruises
From who knows what
Just like me

So why apologize
For who I've come to be
Cause who the hell am I
If I cant be me
I've wasted too much time
On insecurities
Cause this is who I am and that's fine with me

Balance

I've been thinking a lot this last week about what I perceive as a lack of balance in my life and what I can do about it.

The last year or so, but particularly the last 6 months, has been one of the hardest times of my life that I've ever had to go through. At one point I wished I could go back a couple years and change the way that things played out but I realized about a month ago that I've finally reached a point where even if things haven't been easy and I've made more mistakes than I care to admit to, I'm happy with the point that it's brought me to.

This month has been a difficult one, mostly feeling like it was just one thing after another being piled on me and I couldn't get a break and was definitely a little overwhelmed. Tonight I was thinking about my lack of balance and was kind of in a funk when I was reminded again that I have some really amazing friends, even some who know what I need to do to feel better when I can't figure it out for myself and they haven't stopped being there for me whether it was a good week, a bad week or just somewhere in the middle.

On the topic of balance though... it's one of my new things to work on. Not that I'm done with my other goals for myself, but they're solidly in progress and it seems like a good time to add a new undertaking. I'm so happy with the job I have right now and with where I'm living but the personal side of my life isn't where I'd like it to be. I feel like I've regressed a little from where I was a month ago and I can definitely see some of the reasons for that so I'm going to start working on that.

Anyways, it's definitely time for bed. Yay for my new blog. Even if nobody ever reads it, it feels good to have a place to just... get it all out.